Dramatis Personae

Dramatis Personae

Mr. Boddie………………………………………………………………………………… The dead guy

Officer Kluless………………………………………………….The officer sent to investigate

Roc Kray

Charles Meener

Silliam Wooner……………………………..……………………………………………….The suspects

Charlene Dickens

James van Snyder Kruntch, Captain in the US Air Force

A Mysterious Off-Stage Voice (MOSV)……………………………………….Not tellin’ who it is!

OFFICER KLULESS is led on stage by ROC KRAY.  A sofa and coffee table are on stage.  The body lies next to the coffee table.  A lamp of good, indestructible workmanship is on the table.  The ability to make a loud crashing sound off stage is needed.

KRAY:  Right this way, officer.

KLULESS:  A dead person?  Really?  Gee, this is my first murder investigation. [KLULESS looks around the room, as if looking for the body]

KRAY:  Really.  He’s over there.  [points to the body, but KLULESS ignores the pointing and continues scanning the room.]

KLULESS:  Ah!  Of course.  I’ll go find, er, examine the body while you go get the other suspects.

KRAY:  Suspects?  Already?

KLULESS:  Of course!  Everybody in the house is a suspect!  Haven’t you ever played Clue?

KRAY:  [giving KLULESS a funny look]  Alllllllll right.

[KRAY leaves while KLULESS wanders about muttering, quite loudly, “WHAT BODY?”  KLULESS then trips over the body.]

KLULESS:  Oh, excuse me.  [KLULESS stands up, using the table for support.  As he does so, he knocks the lamp off the table.  It hits the floor with a resounding crash.  All of the other suspects come rushing in.]

MEENER:  What was that?

KLULESS:  I was, er, just examining the body.  No need for alarm.  [KLULESS places the lamp back on the table and addresses the suspects in a more commanding tone.]  Okay, everybody.  Line up.  [The suspects form a line on stage as KLULESS takes out a notebook.]  I want everybody’s name.

[All the suspects shout out their names all at once.]

KLULESS:  Not all at once!  One at a time!

[As each suspect says their name, they step forward, as introducing themselves to the audience, and then step back into line]

KRAY:  Roc Kray

DICKENS:  Charlene Dickens.

MEENER:  Charles Meener.

KRUNTCH:  Captain James van Snyder Kruntch.

WOONER:  William Spooner – uh, I mean, Silliam Wooner.

KLULESS: [Turns to face audience, standing in front of the line of suspects]  I’m Kluless.

KRUNTCH:  We see that.

KLULESS: [Still facing audience]  That’s Officer Kluless.  There’s been a murder here, and I intend to find out who did it.

KRAY:  [Stepping forward and tapping KLULESS on the shoulder]  Sir, we’re behind you.

KLULESS:  That’s good.  Are you behind me one hundred percent?

DICKENS:  No, we are literally behind you.

KLULESS:  Oh.

[KLULESS turns around.  Everybody arranges themselves so that KLULESS can interrogate them without having his back to the audience, with KLULESS standing near the body]

KLULESS:  Okay.  Listen.  I’ll try to make this painless and get to the point.  Who killed Mr. Boddie?

MSOV: [From offstage, of course]  Bum bum buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh.

[WOONER screams]

KRUNTCH:  What was that?

WOONER:  I don’t know, but it scared the dickens out of me.

DICKENS:  Yes?

WOONER:  What?

DICKENS:  I asked you first.  You called my name.

WOONER:  No, I didn’t.  I just said that it scared the dickens out of me.

DICKENS:  Yes?

WOONER:  Never mind.

KLULESS:  Stop it!  Listen, there’s been a murder here and I intend to find out who did it.

KRAY:  [aside]  Is that all this guy can say?

[KLULESS takes a step and trips over the body again]

KRAY:  [aside]  And why don’t I trust him?

[As KLULESS get up, he knocks over the lamp with a resounding crash again]

KRAY: [aside]  And…, why does he keep knocking over that lamp?

KLULESS:  [after righting the lamp again]  Okay, let’s try a different approach.  Does anybody here have a criminal record?

KRUNTCH:  The only thing I’ve been charged with is a misdemeanor.

MEENER:  What?

KRUNTCH: [slightly louder]  A misdemeanor.

MEENER:  I’m Mr. Meener.

KRUNTCH:  NO!

MEENER:  Yes, I am.

KLULESS:  Stop it!  Stop it!  STOP IT!

KRAY:  Stop what?

KLULESS:  Arguing like this!  Listen, there’s been a murder here and I –

ALL:  Intend to find out who did it.

KRAY:  Yes, we know.  You’ve told us.  Several times.

KLULESS: Then co-operate with me!  Next question:  what did you have for breakfast?

DICKENS:  What does that have to do with anything?

KLULESS:  I’m asking the questions here.  Besides, it might be important.

MEENER:  I had a bowl of cereal.

KLULESS:  Ah!  Co-operation at last!  What kind of cereal did you have?

MEENER:  Cap’n Crunch.

KRUNTCH:  Yes?

MEENER:  Not you, the cereal.

KRUNTCH:  What cereal?

MEENER:  Cap’n Crunch.

KRUNTCH:  What?

MEENER:  Listen, ol’ buddy, ol’ pal, what did you have for breakfast?

KRUNTCH:  Fruit Loops.

MEENER:  Figures.

KLULESS: No, no, NO!  [KLULESS flails his arms about as he says this, knocking the lamp off the table again.  It hits the floor with a resounding crash.  KLULESS rights it again.]

KLULESS:  One simple question:  who did it?

WOONER:  Did what?

KLULESS:  Killed Mr. Boddie, of course!

MSOV: [From offstage, of course]  Bum bum buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh.

[WOONER screams]

KRUNTCH:  What was that?

WOONER:  I don’t know, but it scared —

DICKENS:  Don’t even say it.

KLULESS:  Well?

ALL SUSPECTS:  Well what?

KLULESS:  [yelling]  WHO KILLED MR. BODDIE?

MSOV: [From offstage, of course]  Bum bum buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh.

WOONER:  Oh!  I get it!

KLULESS:  Get what?

WOONER:  Whenever anybody says, “Mr. Boddie” –

MSOV: [From offstage, of course]  Bum bum buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh.

WOONER: – a mysterious voice goes, “bum bum bah!”

KLULESS: [Full of exasperation]  Listen.  THERE’S.  BEEN.  A.  MURDER.  HERE.

ALL SUSPECTS:  And you intend to find out who did it.

KLULESS:  Yes!  You understand!  Now, who did it?

[Suspects look at one another for a moment, and then point among themselves.]

ALL SUSPECTS:  They did it.

[KLULESS sags visibly]

KLULESS:  Okay.  I’m taking you all down to the station.  Now.  Move along, move along.

[KLULESS herds the suspects off stage right.  As soon as they leave, MSOV enters from stage left.]

MSOV:  [addressing the audience]  Hi, I’m Mr. Boddie.  I’m looking for my training dummy.  Have any of you seen it?  [Notices the body/dummy on the floor]  Ah!  There you are!  Bum bum buuuuuuuh!  I’ve been looking all over the house for you!

BODDIE/TRAINING DUMMY:  [Sits up and jerks with thumb stage right]  Sorry, the dummies just left.

[Mr. Boddie and the training dummy exit stage left as the curtain closes.  As soon as curtain is closed, a crash is heard.  Curtain opens partially, revealing KLULESS in the process of picking the lamp up off the floor.  He glances up at the audience, says “SORRY,” and the curtain closes for good, much to the audience’s relief.]